1 00:00:26,789 --> 00:00:29,940 - You're up early. - I didn't have much choice. 2 00:00:29,989 --> 00:00:32,503 Why don't you ask her to turn it down? 3 00:00:32,549 --> 00:00:35,825 - How do you know it's a woman? - Saw her moving in. 4 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:38,429 - What's she like? - I only saw her hands and her feet, 5 00:00:38,469 --> 00:00:40,380 she was carrying a wardrobe. 6 00:00:40,429 --> 00:00:42,226 Seemed like a nice person. 7 00:00:43,269 --> 00:00:46,147 - Surely you should be asking her? - No. 8 00:00:46,189 --> 00:00:48,498 I'll do it. 9 00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:51,017 Never get involved with your neighbours. 10 00:00:51,069 --> 00:00:53,060 They're all nutters. 11 00:00:53,109 --> 00:00:56,658 Like that fella opposite, keeps moving my doormat. 12 00:00:56,709 --> 00:00:59,223 - I'm not sure he does. - He moves it! 13 00:00:59,269 --> 00:01:02,705 Bit to the left, bit to the right - sometimes in the middle of the hall. 14 00:01:02,749 --> 00:01:05,217 - But why? - Because he's a nutter. 15 00:01:05,269 --> 00:01:09,945 They all are. If you want my advice, don't even nod at them in the lifts. 16 00:01:09,989 --> 00:01:12,457 What if they're really friendly? 17 00:01:13,869 --> 00:01:16,064 Just... be ignorant. 18 00:01:17,229 --> 00:01:20,824 Something really bad must have happened to you once. 19 00:01:20,869 --> 00:01:23,337 No, and I aim to keep it that way. 20 00:01:26,029 --> 00:01:30,705 We used to have a really mad neighbour, worked for the water board. 21 00:01:30,749 --> 00:01:35,777 He used to have loads of pens in his top pocket - about seven or eight! 22 00:01:39,989 --> 00:01:42,708 - Yeah? - You only need one pen. 23 00:01:45,109 --> 00:01:48,146 What's the connection with the water board? 24 00:01:48,189 --> 00:01:50,066 That was his job. 25 00:01:51,109 --> 00:01:53,100 Eight pens! 26 00:01:56,269 --> 00:01:57,987 Nutter! 27 00:02:03,469 --> 00:02:05,983 Ooh, baby, I'm so hot for youl 28 00:02:06,029 --> 00:02:07,985 Oh... 29 00:02:08,029 --> 00:02:10,020 Ooh, so big. 30 00:02:10,069 --> 00:02:12,788 Oh, you're a stayer, ain't ya? 31 00:02:12,829 --> 00:02:15,787 Three hours, you naughty boyl 32 00:02:15,829 --> 00:02:17,421 Ooh... 33 00:02:21,229 --> 00:02:23,299 Why don't you bang on the wall?. 34 00:02:23,349 --> 00:02:25,863 Because this is the 21st century. 35 00:02:25,909 --> 00:02:31,506 If I'm hungry I don't dig a pit and wait for a dozy mammoth to stroll by. 36 00:02:31,549 --> 00:02:34,666 Psychology. You ignore them. They don't like that. 37 00:02:36,229 --> 00:02:41,019 As a lifeguard you learn there's more than one way of controlling a pool. 38 00:02:41,069 --> 00:02:43,503 That's why you're in the big chair. 39 00:02:43,549 --> 00:02:47,144 Oh. I thought that was to protect you from splashing. 40 00:02:47,189 --> 00:02:49,578 No. 41 00:02:50,589 --> 00:02:52,386 See? 42 00:02:52,429 --> 00:02:54,101 Willpower. 43 00:02:55,149 --> 00:02:59,381 The only danger now is if she surrenders entirely to my civilising force. 44 00:03:04,789 --> 00:03:08,065 I'm in a nightclub! 45 00:03:08,109 --> 00:03:10,100 A nightclub! 46 00:03:10,149 --> 00:03:12,868 No, I'm not eating - I'm off my face! 47 00:03:12,909 --> 00:03:15,981 Look, hold on a sec, I'll go outside. 48 00:03:16,429 --> 00:03:18,226 Hang on! 49 00:03:18,269 --> 00:03:20,464 Excuse me. Excuse me. 50 00:03:21,509 --> 00:03:23,340 Hi, Jules. 51 00:03:23,389 --> 00:03:25,539 Jules? Just a friend. 52 00:03:25,589 --> 00:03:27,181 A friend! 53 00:03:27,229 --> 00:03:29,538 That's better, I can hear you now. 54 00:03:29,589 --> 00:03:34,185 Yeah, no, I'm fine! I've been having a great time since we, um... 55 00:03:34,229 --> 00:03:37,460 You know? How about you? You seeing anyone? 56 00:03:39,149 --> 00:03:41,709 Right, right... Me? 57 00:03:41,749 --> 00:03:43,944 Nothing serious, you know. 58 00:03:44,989 --> 00:03:46,900 Um, well... 59 00:03:48,029 --> 00:03:50,862 Oh, the club? It's called... 60 00:03:51,909 --> 00:03:54,025 Schindlers. Hang on a sec. 61 00:03:54,069 --> 00:03:58,460 I'm really sorry about the music, it's my ex-boyfriend, you know? 62 00:03:58,509 --> 00:04:01,626 It's really difficult at the moment with him. 63 00:04:01,669 --> 00:04:05,264 I've got to go, you're cracking up. Bastard. 64 00:04:07,389 --> 00:04:12,543 So, er, Karen, you've never done any acting before? 65 00:04:12,589 --> 00:04:14,580 No. 66 00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:19,425 So this'll be your first time, er, performing? 67 00:04:19,469 --> 00:04:21,300 Yeah. 68 00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:24,817 OK, don't be nervous. 69 00:04:24,869 --> 00:04:26,666 I'm not nervous. 70 00:04:26,709 --> 00:04:29,143 Right. Good. 71 00:04:29,189 --> 00:04:31,828 Well, you've got your script. 72 00:04:33,429 --> 00:04:37,422 Right, pretend this is Oxford Street, you're out shopping. 73 00:04:37,469 --> 00:04:39,824 All right, ladies! 74 00:04:39,869 --> 00:04:43,066 Come and get your perfume, I've got all the brand names! 75 00:04:43,109 --> 00:04:46,863 Calvin Klein, Est�e Lauder, Chanel - three for a tenner! 76 00:04:46,909 --> 00:04:50,299 Three for a tenner? That's cheap. Is it really Calvin Klein? 77 00:04:50,349 --> 00:04:52,226 Course it is, sweetheart. 78 00:04:52,269 --> 00:04:55,102 I'm not stupid - these cost a fortune! 79 00:04:55,149 --> 00:04:58,221 I told you, no improvising. Stick to the script. 80 00:04:58,269 --> 00:05:00,658 Is it really Calvin Klein? 81 00:05:00,709 --> 00:05:04,065 - Course it is, sweetheart. - They must be stolen. 82 00:05:04,109 --> 00:05:08,819 Nah, I'm a mate of Calvin's. I'm doing him a favour - no VAT. 83 00:05:08,869 --> 00:05:10,905 No, I'm not doing that. 84 00:05:11,949 --> 00:05:14,747 - Do the line. - I can't say that. 85 00:05:14,789 --> 00:05:16,620 Read it out. 86 00:05:16,669 --> 00:05:21,299 Oh, thank you so much, now I will smell better for less money. 87 00:05:39,789 --> 00:05:42,383 You look a bit wet, Vince. You fall in? 88 00:05:42,429 --> 00:05:44,340 Yeah, yeah, I fell in. 89 00:05:44,389 --> 00:05:48,428 I've never noticed the 30-metre wet patch in front of me! 90 00:05:49,629 --> 00:05:51,426 Huh? 91 00:05:51,469 --> 00:05:53,937 I didn't fall in, I got splashed. 92 00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:57,500 You should be more careful. 93 00:05:57,549 --> 00:06:02,020 It's better than being caught with three bikinis in your locker. 94 00:06:04,309 --> 00:06:06,743 That's right, buddy, you walk away. 95 00:06:06,789 --> 00:06:09,826 There's only room for one arse in this chair. 96 00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:11,746 No, that's not right. 97 00:06:14,029 --> 00:06:18,898 I don't care what colour you paint the kitchen - nobody cares! 98 00:06:20,949 --> 00:06:22,940 I know that lion! 99 00:06:22,989 --> 00:06:27,062 I've seen that lion before! Show some other bleedin' lions! 100 00:06:27,109 --> 00:06:31,182 - Up next on four... - Oh, lovely! 101 00:06:31,229 --> 00:06:34,346 Another queer! Thanks very much! 102 00:06:36,829 --> 00:06:39,104 Oh, mate! 103 00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:43,142 Can you do me a favour and turn me Walkman up? I love this track. 104 00:06:44,189 --> 00:06:47,261 Don't even nod at them in the lifts. 105 00:06:47,309 --> 00:06:49,186 Can you turn it up for us? 106 00:06:50,189 --> 00:06:55,217 I really love this track! Can you turn it up, please! 107 00:07:06,429 --> 00:07:08,499 Oh! Oh... 108 00:07:08,549 --> 00:07:11,541 Dirty... dirty bastard! 109 00:07:11,589 --> 00:07:15,104 Come on, Brian, it's not rocket science. 110 00:07:15,149 --> 00:07:18,141 That's easy! Everyone knows that! 111 00:07:18,189 --> 00:07:22,341 He invaded Poland! Moron! 112 00:07:22,389 --> 00:07:27,019 Having a great timel How about you at home - having a good time?I 113 00:07:27,069 --> 00:07:30,744 I'm not having a good time and do you know why?! 114 00:07:30,789 --> 00:07:35,021 Cos I only slept with two women in my entire life 115 00:07:35,069 --> 00:07:36,468 and it's not enough! 116 00:07:48,429 --> 00:07:50,624 Oi, stop that. 117 00:07:50,669 --> 00:07:52,466 - What? - Those noises. 118 00:07:52,509 --> 00:07:55,501 It don't say anything on the board about it. 119 00:07:55,549 --> 00:08:00,225 It doesn't say anything about Viking funerals but we don't allow them either. 120 00:08:03,029 --> 00:08:05,020 You having problems? 121 00:08:06,429 --> 00:08:07,862 No. 122 00:08:07,909 --> 00:08:11,299 If you can't handle the deep end I could take over. 123 00:08:11,349 --> 00:08:13,658 You can't stop them making noises. 124 00:08:13,709 --> 00:08:17,099 Sometimes you gotta be a bit unorthodox. 125 00:08:17,149 --> 00:08:20,141 Remind them they're playing by your rules. 126 00:08:20,189 --> 00:08:24,740 - You watch a prison film last night? - No. I watched Flubber. 127 00:08:24,789 --> 00:08:26,507 Stupid. 128 00:08:44,869 --> 00:08:46,587 Go on, out. 129 00:08:47,869 --> 00:08:51,259 You can't stay here making fart noises all afternoon. 130 00:08:53,309 --> 00:08:56,699 - That wasn't very good. - I'll get my dad on you. 131 00:08:56,749 --> 00:08:59,821 - You haven't got a dad. - Yes, I have! 132 00:08:59,869 --> 00:09:01,860 Not at home. 133 00:09:07,229 --> 00:09:09,948 No, Mr Foley, it wasn't like that. 134 00:09:11,829 --> 00:09:15,219 How am I supposed to know if he's got a dad or not? 135 00:09:16,349 --> 00:09:19,341 Well, in future I'll just let them do what they want. 136 00:09:21,349 --> 00:09:24,819 Yeah, like I'm scared of a bunch of ten-year-olds. 137 00:09:26,909 --> 00:09:30,697 I know you don't need this. You're a very busy man. 138 00:09:30,749 --> 00:09:35,061 Organising swimathons, getting the hot chocolate machine fixed. 139 00:09:35,109 --> 00:09:39,307 No, I mean it! I really admire the way you order all that chlorine. 140 00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:45,219 Hiya, I'm Zara. 141 00:09:46,229 --> 00:09:48,299 Could you do us a bit of a favour? 142 00:09:49,549 --> 00:09:54,498 I'm a bit colour-blind. I need to know - is that blue? 143 00:09:56,309 --> 00:09:59,460 - No. - Oh! Thank God for that! 144 00:09:59,509 --> 00:10:01,579 - I'm not pregnant. - No. 145 00:10:01,629 --> 00:10:03,540 Well... 146 00:10:12,189 --> 00:10:14,623 Here, nuts? 147 00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:20,261 What's the matter with you? Allergic? 148 00:10:21,309 --> 00:10:24,062 That is very bad. 149 00:10:24,109 --> 00:10:26,100 Feel sorry for you, man. 150 00:10:27,149 --> 00:10:31,142 Yeah... I love these nuts. 151 00:10:31,189 --> 00:10:34,465 Just... be ignorant. 152 00:10:38,069 --> 00:10:40,219 This floor is sticky. 153 00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:46,227 Hey, why don't you talk to me? 154 00:10:47,309 --> 00:10:49,265 Are you a racist? 155 00:10:49,309 --> 00:10:51,777 No, I was just being ignorant! 156 00:11:07,309 --> 00:11:09,106 Ohh... 157 00:11:31,429 --> 00:11:36,583 - This Gandhi bloke is amazing. - Yes, Gandhi! 158 00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:39,189 - Cheers to Gandhi. - Cheers to Gandhi! 159 00:11:39,229 --> 00:11:41,823 - Gandhi ji. - Gandhi ji! 160 00:11:49,949 --> 00:11:53,783 Be the change you want to see in the world. 161 00:11:54,869 --> 00:11:56,268 Gandhi. 162 00:11:56,309 --> 00:11:58,379 Saw a film last night. 163 00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:02,461 Gotta clean up the sticky patch by the lifts. 164 00:12:02,509 --> 00:12:04,500 What, cos you saw a film? 165 00:12:04,549 --> 00:12:08,098 Be the change you want to see in the world. 166 00:12:08,149 --> 00:12:10,458 So easily influenced, aren't you? 167 00:12:10,509 --> 00:12:15,025 Shame you didn't see Mrs Doubtfire, could've cleaned it up hours ago. 168 00:12:16,589 --> 00:12:19,149 - What was that? - Another banger. 169 00:12:19,189 --> 00:12:23,228 - Didn't you hear them in the night? - No, I was drinking rum. 170 00:12:23,269 --> 00:12:26,864 Oh, it's these kids, they're trying to get back at me. 171 00:12:26,909 --> 00:12:30,902 I happened to say that... Oh, it doesn't matter. 172 00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:35,058 - That was a rocket! - Mm. 173 00:12:35,109 --> 00:12:37,703 There's a very clear pattern forming here. 174 00:12:38,749 --> 00:12:42,298 - Explosions, dog poo, fireworks. - What happens next? 175 00:12:42,349 --> 00:12:45,182 No idea, it's one of them random patterns. 176 00:12:45,229 --> 00:12:49,461 Could be my phone number on a toilet door offering relief or... 177 00:12:49,509 --> 00:12:53,263 amputation of a favourite limb. It's that random. 178 00:13:03,549 --> 00:13:06,427 Shit. Shit. Shit. 179 00:13:06,469 --> 00:13:08,903 Shit. Shit. 180 00:13:08,949 --> 00:13:10,177 Shit. 181 00:13:10,549 --> 00:13:11,948 Shit. 182 00:13:22,389 --> 00:13:25,779 Directory inquiries, which town, please? 183 00:13:25,829 --> 00:13:29,105 I've got half a number, I just can't remember the rest. 184 00:13:29,149 --> 00:13:32,937 - Without a name I can't help. - You might recognise it. 185 00:13:32,989 --> 00:13:37,221 - I hear millions of numbers. - But it's the one off the, er... 186 00:13:37,269 --> 00:13:40,545 0891 diddle-a diddle-a diddle-a. 187 00:13:40,589 --> 00:13:42,864 Yeah, that does sound familiar. 188 00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:46,504 0891 diddle-a diddle-a diddle-a. 189 00:13:46,549 --> 00:13:52,385 - The number you require is... - 0891212324. 190 00:14:05,829 --> 00:14:09,663 Be the change you want to see in the world. 191 00:14:10,789 --> 00:14:13,098 Hiya, just cleaning this mess up. 192 00:14:13,149 --> 00:14:15,140 Yeah, I can see that. 193 00:14:15,189 --> 00:14:18,101 You're the caretaker, aren't you? 194 00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:22,188 What if someone slips on that patch and breaks their leg? 195 00:14:23,229 --> 00:14:25,982 - Go to the hospital. - After that. 196 00:14:26,029 --> 00:14:30,784 Mm, come home, friends come round, write their names on the plaster... 197 00:14:30,829 --> 00:14:33,787 No, no, no, they sue the council. 198 00:14:33,829 --> 00:14:37,504 The council blames me, I say "It wasn't me," 199 00:14:37,549 --> 00:14:39,540 they say "why not?" I say... 200 00:14:39,589 --> 00:14:43,821 - I'll make sure it's dry. - No, that's a ten grand claim there. 201 00:14:43,869 --> 00:14:46,429 That wet patch is like a blank cheque. 202 00:14:47,469 --> 00:14:51,906 - What was there before? - Sticky goo. Like syrup. 203 00:14:51,949 --> 00:14:55,988 Right, you go down the shops, get some syrup 204 00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:58,304 and pour it in exactly the same spot. 205 00:14:59,389 --> 00:15:03,507 - Just thought I'd help out. - Who do you think you are? Sting? 206 00:15:04,549 --> 00:15:06,938 No, I'm... I'm Gandhi. 207 00:15:08,629 --> 00:15:11,382 Yeah, yeah, it is a bit windy. Mm. 208 00:15:11,429 --> 00:15:14,102 Well, it might clear up... I don't know. 209 00:15:14,149 --> 00:15:16,743 Don't you wanna know what I'm wearing? 210 00:15:16,789 --> 00:15:20,828 Nol No, I just like chatting. Have you heard that new David Gray CD? 211 00:15:20,869 --> 00:15:23,906 - It's bloody excellent. - It's all right. 212 00:15:23,949 --> 00:15:27,578 So you don't wanna try and meet me, then, and drug me? 213 00:15:27,629 --> 00:15:29,426 What? No. 214 00:15:29,469 --> 00:15:33,985 Er, um... so you've got all your clothes on and you just wanna chat? 215 00:15:34,029 --> 00:15:35,428 Aye, that's right. 216 00:15:35,469 --> 00:15:37,744 You're not gonna try and pester me 217 00:15:37,789 --> 00:15:42,340 and photograph me in the woods with my knickers draped on the hedge? 218 00:15:42,389 --> 00:15:43,947 Nol 219 00:15:43,989 --> 00:15:45,786 Hello? 220 00:15:49,589 --> 00:15:52,661 Hiya! Did you have a party last night? 221 00:15:53,389 --> 00:15:56,381 No. No, it's these kids, they're trying to, um... 222 00:15:56,429 --> 00:15:58,784 They... Um, it doesn't matter. 223 00:15:58,829 --> 00:16:03,107 Thanks for helping me out yesterday. I was just really worried. 224 00:16:03,149 --> 00:16:07,461 I've just split up with my boyfriend and I wanna start a new life. 225 00:16:07,509 --> 00:16:10,103 New friends, a... 226 00:16:10,149 --> 00:16:13,027 - Not very good with blue lines, are you? - What? 227 00:16:13,069 --> 00:16:17,699 You're wearing a blue armband, should've been out of the pool half an hour ago. 228 00:16:20,749 --> 00:16:23,468 Staff announcement. Message for Vince. 229 00:16:23,509 --> 00:16:25,579 Mum smells and Dad wears a bra. 230 00:16:26,749 --> 00:16:29,468 Sorry, Vince, I've just been handed this. 231 00:16:37,349 --> 00:16:40,102 Why do you have to do this sort of thing?! 232 00:16:40,149 --> 00:16:44,142 The caretaker told me to, because people break their legs to get money off the council. 233 00:16:44,189 --> 00:16:46,987 - Drugs, is it? - You don't understand... 234 00:16:47,029 --> 00:16:50,419 I don't! You just want to spoil everything for everyone! 235 00:16:50,469 --> 00:16:53,267 Scratching cars and weeing in the lifts. 236 00:16:53,309 --> 00:16:55,504 No, I can't go in public! 237 00:16:55,549 --> 00:16:59,144 I have to use a cubicle. I can't go with people around. 238 00:16:59,189 --> 00:17:01,703 You are sick. 239 00:17:01,749 --> 00:17:04,946 Staff announcement. Message for Vince. 240 00:17:04,989 --> 00:17:07,549 You lick men's cock... Oh, sorry, Vince. 241 00:17:07,589 --> 00:17:11,104 Must remember to look at these before I read 'em out. 242 00:18:03,349 --> 00:18:06,341 Oh, you naughty boy. 243 00:18:06,389 --> 00:18:08,584 Have you had a bit of an accident? 244 00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:10,745 Mm, syrup. 245 00:18:10,789 --> 00:18:12,825 I love syrup... 246 00:18:12,869 --> 00:18:14,985 No, don't touch that, please. 247 00:18:15,029 --> 00:18:19,466 Don't be silly, I wasn't going to eat it off the floor. 248 00:18:19,509 --> 00:18:21,659 Do you know how I am? 249 00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:23,108 No. 250 00:18:23,149 --> 00:18:26,505 - Really? - I haven't a clue. 251 00:18:26,549 --> 00:18:29,780 I... I think you've got something in your hair. 252 00:18:29,829 --> 00:18:33,378 No, it's naturally shiny. 253 00:18:33,429 --> 00:18:35,499 No, I think it's a ring-pull. 254 00:18:39,669 --> 00:18:41,660 I think you've got it. 255 00:18:41,709 --> 00:18:45,145 Those bloody things get everywhere. 256 00:18:45,189 --> 00:18:48,067 Oi! Get off and milk it! 257 00:18:48,109 --> 00:18:51,624 I'm walking. You can only say that if I'm on a bike. 258 00:18:51,669 --> 00:18:55,139 - Your wheel's going round! - I haven't got a bike. 259 00:18:55,189 --> 00:18:57,498 - Bitch! - Slapper! 260 00:18:57,549 --> 00:19:00,586 - I'm a bloke! - Short arse! Midget! 261 00:19:00,629 --> 00:19:04,144 I'm six foot one! I don't mind insults if they're accurate. 262 00:19:04,189 --> 00:19:07,261 - Baldy! - I'm not bald. 263 00:19:07,309 --> 00:19:09,106 - Spamhead. - Egghead! 264 00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:11,868 You can only say that if I haven't got any hair. 265 00:19:11,909 --> 00:19:15,982 - He looks like Ian Beale! - He's not bald either! 266 00:19:16,029 --> 00:19:19,624 - Baldy! - I'm not bald! 267 00:19:19,669 --> 00:19:21,387 Baldy! 268 00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:25,582 - Where's my matches? - By the phone. 269 00:19:25,629 --> 00:19:28,348 - Tobacco? - On the table. 270 00:19:28,389 --> 00:19:31,825 - What about my bus pass? - In your pocket. 271 00:19:31,869 --> 00:19:34,702 - Keys? - There. 272 00:19:36,549 --> 00:19:39,268 - What's for dinner? - Macaroni cheese. 273 00:19:39,309 --> 00:19:41,459 - Any veg? - No. 274 00:19:41,509 --> 00:19:43,784 - Pudding? - Ice cream. 275 00:19:45,509 --> 00:19:48,307 - How's your mum? - Improving. 276 00:19:48,349 --> 00:19:51,182 - Colin? - Can't get hold of him. 277 00:19:51,229 --> 00:19:54,027 - Tried work? - Yeah. 278 00:19:54,069 --> 00:19:56,060 - Mobile? - Yeah. 279 00:19:56,109 --> 00:19:58,304 - Home? - Yeah. 280 00:20:00,229 --> 00:20:02,618 - Taped This Is Your Life? - Yeah. 281 00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:05,502 - Who was it? - Garth someone. 282 00:20:05,549 --> 00:20:08,347 - Good? - All right. 283 00:20:08,389 --> 00:20:10,380 Where's my matches? 284 00:20:28,669 --> 00:20:32,457 Ohh, that's beautiful. What was it like before? 285 00:20:32,509 --> 00:20:34,101 What? 286 00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:37,141 - Can I touch it? - No! What? 287 00:20:37,189 --> 00:20:39,180 Your hair. Does it come off? 288 00:20:39,229 --> 00:20:41,618 Get... out! 289 00:20:43,429 --> 00:20:45,226 I don't... 290 00:20:50,669 --> 00:20:52,466 What?! 291 00:20:58,149 --> 00:21:02,347 I can't help you! It's a wind-up. This is real! 292 00:21:02,389 --> 00:21:06,587 It's these kids, they're trying... I'm not bald! 293 00:21:10,669 --> 00:21:13,103 - You finished? - Yep. 294 00:21:14,509 --> 00:21:17,069 - What was that? - Macaroni cheese. 295 00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:21,227 Macaroni cheese? You'd think a dish called macaroni cheese 296 00:21:21,269 --> 00:21:24,705 would have an equal amount of macaroni and cheese. 297 00:21:24,749 --> 00:21:30,745 What you cooked should be called macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni 298 00:21:30,789 --> 00:21:35,704 macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni cheese 299 00:21:35,749 --> 00:21:40,027 macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni. 300 00:21:40,069 --> 00:21:44,460 What I want is cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese 301 00:21:44,509 --> 00:21:48,980 cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese macaroni 302 00:21:49,029 --> 00:21:54,183 cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese. 303 00:21:54,229 --> 00:21:57,505 All right, I'll do it with more cheese next time. 304 00:21:57,549 --> 00:22:00,427 - Ta. What's for pudding? - Spotted dick. 305 00:22:03,549 --> 00:22:05,540 Mmm... 306 00:22:18,829 --> 00:22:22,947 I'd better be going. Er, can I get my syrup back, please? 307 00:22:22,989 --> 00:22:27,779 Don't go, don't go! You haven't finished your drink yet. 308 00:22:27,829 --> 00:22:30,184 I don't really like Greek liqueurs. 309 00:22:30,229 --> 00:22:32,060 Sorry, ran out of tea. 310 00:22:32,109 --> 00:22:36,466 Let's have a conversation, we might have something in common. 311 00:22:36,509 --> 00:22:39,103 - Do you get asthma? - No. 312 00:22:39,149 --> 00:22:43,142 I mean, you might have seen something I've been in. 313 00:22:43,189 --> 00:22:46,101 - Oh. - A film. Hm. 314 00:22:46,149 --> 00:22:50,222 - No. - Shaken not stirred, Mr Bond. 315 00:22:54,349 --> 00:22:56,943 Look, I've sprayed my finger. 316 00:22:56,989 --> 00:22:58,786 No, sorry, it's... 317 00:22:58,829 --> 00:23:03,061 - Maybe if do the whole thing? - What you doing? You can't... 318 00:23:03,109 --> 00:23:06,181 do... Oh... What...? 319 00:23:06,229 --> 00:23:09,505 Careful, you'll get paint in your eyes if you... 320 00:23:09,549 --> 00:23:12,109 - I've done it before! - Oh, right. 321 00:23:12,149 --> 00:23:14,982 Oh, come on, you must know now! 322 00:23:15,029 --> 00:23:18,305 - I really don't know, I'm sorry! - You must know! 323 00:23:18,349 --> 00:23:22,137 - Who? - I'll put some music on. 324 00:23:22,189 --> 00:23:24,749 I really wanna know who you are, I do. 325 00:23:26,349 --> 00:23:29,546 Oh, Mr Bond! 326 00:23:29,589 --> 00:23:32,945 Oh, right, from the film on the bed with the paint. 327 00:23:32,989 --> 00:23:36,265 - Yes! What took you so long? - You're green. 328 00:23:37,749 --> 00:23:39,740 I ran out of gold. 329 00:23:50,429 --> 00:23:52,420 I know you're down here! 330 00:23:54,829 --> 00:23:56,626 This has got to stop. 331 00:23:56,669 --> 00:23:58,466 We need to meet. 332 00:23:58,509 --> 00:24:00,306 Sort this out. 333 00:24:00,349 --> 00:24:02,180 Where? 334 00:24:03,309 --> 00:24:06,984 King's Head, saloon bar? Eight o'clock? 335 00:24:07,029 --> 00:24:09,907 That'll be a bit difficult for us, stupid. 336 00:24:10,949 --> 00:24:12,541 OK. 337 00:24:13,589 --> 00:24:16,149 The Burger Box, half five. 338 00:24:17,189 --> 00:24:22,741 Spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot dick 339 00:24:22,789 --> 00:24:26,498 spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot. 340 00:24:26,549 --> 00:24:29,188 What I want is dick dick dick dick 341 00:24:29,229 --> 00:24:32,380 dick dick dick dick dick dick dick few spots 342 00:24:32,429 --> 00:24:35,819 dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick. 343 00:24:37,389 --> 00:24:40,825 All right, I'll do it with a bit more dick next time. 344 00:24:45,949 --> 00:24:48,224 All right, see you later. Laters. 345 00:24:50,269 --> 00:24:53,181 All right? I'm Vince. 346 00:24:53,229 --> 00:24:55,060 - I'm Lee. - Bradley. 347 00:24:55,109 --> 00:24:57,304 Carl, Don't Say Much, and Fatboy. 348 00:24:57,349 --> 00:24:59,738 - How do. - Not having a Coke? 349 00:24:59,789 --> 00:25:01,700 I don't like sweet things. 350 00:25:01,749 --> 00:25:05,219 - Deep voice. You sure he's ten? - Don't start! 351 00:25:06,269 --> 00:25:07,941 OK. 352 00:25:07,989 --> 00:25:11,868 So I think things have got a bit out of hand, haven't they? 353 00:25:11,909 --> 00:25:13,706 How do we end this feud? 354 00:25:13,749 --> 00:25:16,422 - What's a feud? - A disagreement. 355 00:25:16,469 --> 00:25:19,620 - Will an apology do? - What's an apology? 356 00:25:19,669 --> 00:25:23,423 - It means you're sorry. - That's no good! We want some stuff! 357 00:25:23,469 --> 00:25:26,506 - Yeah. Booze, fags... - And a grenade. 358 00:25:26,549 --> 00:25:29,222 - I can't get you a grenade! - Crossbow? 359 00:25:29,269 --> 00:25:31,066 No, no weapons. 360 00:25:31,109 --> 00:25:34,499 - I'll pay for you to go to the fair. - Yeah! 361 00:25:34,549 --> 00:25:36,107 No! 362 00:25:36,149 --> 00:25:40,825 I went to the fair once. They said, "D'you wanna go on a scary ride?" 363 00:25:40,869 --> 00:25:45,340 I said, "I don't need to, I came on the bus with my mother." 364 00:25:45,389 --> 00:25:46,868 Bollocks! 365 00:25:48,469 --> 00:25:51,142 - Where d'you wanna go? - Lisbon! 366 00:25:51,189 --> 00:25:54,067 - What's that? - Capital city of Portugal. 367 00:25:54,109 --> 00:25:56,100 I wanna go to a film festival 368 00:25:56,149 --> 00:26:00,461 and stay at t'Boa Vista Hotel with its legendary facilities. 369 00:26:00,509 --> 00:26:02,579 No! That's boring. 370 00:26:02,629 --> 00:26:05,860 You can't go to Lisbon, or have booze or fags. 371 00:26:05,909 --> 00:26:11,142 Tell you what, I'll buy you a Happy Meal and... take you to the cinema. 372 00:26:11,189 --> 00:26:14,784 On the condition you don't hassle me or call me baldy. 373 00:26:14,829 --> 00:26:17,343 Can we have a moment, son? Thank you. 374 00:26:21,069 --> 00:26:22,946 All right, right. 375 00:26:22,989 --> 00:26:26,026 I've discussed it with my associates and... 376 00:26:26,069 --> 00:26:29,425 it's a unanimous decision - on these conditions. 377 00:26:29,469 --> 00:26:32,825 The Happy Meal must have a vegetarian option. 378 00:26:32,869 --> 00:26:39,945 And the movie must be something from the Kubrick retrospective at the NFT. 379 00:26:39,989 --> 00:26:43,265 Great. So, er, what am I? 380 00:26:43,309 --> 00:26:45,106 Not bald. 381 00:26:45,149 --> 00:26:48,585 - Oh, I can't hear you. - Not bald! 382 00:26:48,629 --> 00:26:50,301 Hm. Pardon? 383 00:26:50,349 --> 00:26:53,580 Listen, son, you've got the mane of Samson. 384 00:26:53,629 --> 00:26:58,305 You could be the lead in a Timotei ad. From behind I thought you were Fabio! 385 00:26:58,349 --> 00:27:01,546 - Now, can we go?! - All right, keep it down. 386 00:27:02,629 --> 00:27:04,824 - You're embarrassing me. - So? 387 00:27:07,109 --> 00:27:09,100 - Already? - Yeah. 388 00:27:09,149 --> 00:27:12,505 - I thought it was earlier. - No. 389 00:27:14,509 --> 00:27:17,069 - Been raining? - Yeah. 390 00:27:18,109 --> 00:27:20,669 - Heavy? - No. 391 00:27:23,709 --> 00:27:26,507 - Is the heating on? - Mm. 392 00:27:28,149 --> 00:27:30,947 - Can I sit next to you? - No. 393 00:27:32,509 --> 00:27:34,704 - Fancy a kiss? - No. 394 00:27:34,749 --> 00:27:37,217 - Cuddle? - Hm. 395 00:27:41,709 --> 00:27:43,620 Sex? 396 00:27:43,669 --> 00:27:45,546 All right. 397 00:27:45,589 --> 00:27:47,944 - What position? - Normal. 398 00:27:47,989 --> 00:27:50,787 - What about doggy? - Don't mind. 399 00:27:50,829 --> 00:27:52,820 Doggy, then. 400 00:27:53,869 --> 00:27:56,144 If you like. 401 00:27:56,189 --> 00:27:58,578 - Shall I start? - Yeah. 402 00:28:06,029 --> 00:28:08,418 Nah. The moment's passed. 403 00:28:21,749 --> 00:28:25,139 I said I'm not pregnant! 404 00:28:25,189 --> 00:28:27,419 I just thought you'd like to know! 405 00:28:27,469 --> 00:28:29,699 I'm at the opera! 406 00:28:29,749 --> 00:28:32,547 The opera! 407 00:28:32,589 --> 00:28:34,739 Of course it's shit! 408 00:28:39,509 --> 00:28:41,739 You said you didn't bang on walls. 409 00:28:41,789 --> 00:28:45,384 You know when you see a film and for a couple of hours you're the main character? 410 00:28:45,429 --> 00:28:47,226 Yeah. 411 00:28:49,109 --> 00:28:51,304 I've just seen The Shining. 412 00:28:51,354 --> 00:28:55,904 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0